an absent introspective me ... and Christmas 2012

I've been putting off blogging for a while. I honestly don't know why.  I could blame it on exhaustion or business of life. Honestly--I know I've had time, have thought maybe I can blog today and catch up on holiday events and photos, but always shrug my shoulders and say, tomorrow perhaps. Even now as I've typed these two sentences I've thought of other things I could be doing, went upstairs to check on Jonah who is bouncing around during his supposed nap time and just getting more frustrated by the minute by such circumstances-those in myself, the mere fact of my procrastination (tho reason stated as unknown), and more so in which time has just slipped through my fingers. I have felt there is a part of me that wants to hold on to the memories, and moments I have experienced lately. I feel much more introspective lately. And I feel selfish not wanting to write or put any words down.

Jonah's naps have become hit or miss, he talks non-stop, has grown up so fast in a matter of months that I feel I've missed some of it. His smile is contagious.  His heart is big, and his curiosity is ever so present. Regardless if I have been there every moment with him, I have felt distant. I have had personal moments where I am reminded to cherish this gift God has given in front of me and to not take advantage of this opportunity God has given me--to be a mother to such a beautiful boy.

Reading these two paragraphs already written it's clear-- to me, and probably to any reader-- that my heart is heavy. This time of year, I usually reflect on the past year and with a hopeful heart look forward to all of the wonderful memories God will provide in the upcoming year. But honestly, I haven't had energy to dig deep and reflect. Yes, I will note the things I've learned I am sure in months to come, but my mind is foggy and I honestly think frustration would be the end of it at the moment.

I have many current emotions--ones of guilt, ones of doubt, grateful, hopeful, and uncertainty.  But I wont dismiss the fact and reason why I started blogging in the first place. To document the events and provide an escape to do what was just done--to be honest with myself and the few readers that read our blog where I've been and reasons for my absence. So reason somewhat stated, and with that out of the way, here are a few photos taken over the holidays.

Santa brought the coolest helicopter EVER!

A dinosaur puzzle from PopPop

Patrick's father came to visit over Christmas.  We had a chance to visit family in Oregon and spend Christmas Eve and day at home. We had a wonderful time watching Jonah experience Christmas, truly knowing what presents are, and seeing the excitement and wonderment in his eyes when the reindeer did in fact come and eat all the oats and 'food'(glitter, sprinkles, and such of course!) off our front driveway. We participated in all the fun that the season had to offer--seeing Santa, Christmas lights, drinking hot cocoa, building a gingerbread house, watching Christmas movies(Charlie Brown's Christmas is a favorite), and making cookies are a few to happily note.

the decorator (and taster!)

cookie making at it's finest

Hopefully this next month I will make more of an effort to capture and document these special moments our family endures. In the meantime, I will be rummaging through my foggy emotions with hope that God will help me understand some of it.

Many blessings and wishes for a happy and memorable New Year.

Santa 2012

"Let's go see Santa, Mommy!!  Pleeaaase?!!"

Jonah was so excited to go see Santa this year.  We took him to the annual wing Christmas party where Patrick works, and Jonah couldn't wait for his turn to sit on Santa's lap.  He did wait patiently, tho, and enjoyed talking to Santa once it was his turn.  After much thought (evidence in the photo below), Jonah told Santa that he wanted cars, a helicopter, and train tracks for his trains.  It's so fun to see Jonah at this age, and get to experience the joy and wonderment that Christmas brings through the eyes of a two year old. 

 

I pulled up photos of past years with Santa..it's so fun to compare and see how much Jonah has grown. 

2010

2011

2012

Hancock Christmas 2011

Snapshots of a Hancock Christmas...

Christmas pajamas and captured moments before Santa comes..

First moments of realization--

Traditional cinnamon roll breakfast--

Gifts ('cars') galore--

A BIKE (!!!!)

a perfect remembrance

Yesterday we celebrated Christmas with the McCarter family.  Several family members came together from afar to celebrate.  We ate a delicious dinner and all gathered in the downstairs room by the tree to open gifts.  My memories of Christmas will always hold dear to my heart.  And being in the midst of it all yesterday brought back memories of my childhood and all the joy and wonderment I held at Christmas--The tree all lit up, the chaos of opening presents, the warmth, the smell, the decorations. This year held all of that.  It was perfect. 

McCarter Family Christmas 2011

The remembrance of Christmas I carry is exactly what my mother wanted for her grandchildren this year. For a moment, just a small moment, I sat from across the room and watched my mother. She grinned as she witnessed all the wonderment of Christmas in her house.  I knew she was content.  In that split of a moment I captured, I knew she had received that perfect gift she worked so hard to receive.   She witnessed grandchildren in awe of Christmas.  The soft glow of colored Christmas lights on the tree, the joy of opening yet another gift from grandma and grandpa, eagerness as children opened their stockings, "mmmms" from the taste of grandma's frosted sugar cookie--it was all there. She witnessed  the sharing of toys with cousins, the twirls of her granddaughter's new Christmas skirt, the giggles, excitement, and an abundance of  "Thank You"s.  It was all accounted for.   

Merry Christmas, Mom.  You've given us a gift in itself this year--a perfect remembrance of Christmas.

Santa 2011

Jonah loved Santa and actually told him he wanted a bike for Christmas.  It was fun seeing him interact with Santa. Here are a few snapshots of this eventful occasion--

photos of undermining growth

For the past couple days I’ve been going through several photos of ones taken throughout this year.  I’ve been trying to decide which ones are best for a Christmas card photo and how to convey all our family has endured this past year.  I just cannot seem to choose 3-4 photos that transmit it all.  It makes me value the importance of words and reiterates the expression, “a picture is worth a thousand words”.  .  Yet I am stuck with choosing the perfect picture(s).  For I want our Christmas photo to be one that conveys many words—words describing all the feelings, experiences, learning, and growth within the past year.

It’s difficult to describe that said growth.  There lies the reason I’ve had such difficulty choosing the perfect photos.  Our family has truly grown this year—not only physically (in Jonah’s sense), but personally.  I look at Jonah’s first scoots and moment captured of crawling.  I see determination as he takes his first steps.  I smile at his interest in daddy’s planes and wonder if he’s at that point of where dreams develop.  I am curious if he’s near that stage we as adults speak of when referring to time. --- if he’s developing his own specific “moment I can remember”.  I reminisce, looking at photos from his first birthday party.  Today he has grown taller, his personality shines, his understanding of the world is deeper.

I look at photos from the beginning of the year to present day and see the dependency that was once so vivid decrease.  Jonah now is a more independent boy with an abundance of curiosity and fearless wonderment.  His vivid expressions are clearly something that is passed down by yours truly and he is not afraid to express his sense of liveliness.  

   

Watching the bond between father and son is a joy.  From the photos of the first moments with his son and those now, the bond still holds strong.  There is nothing better than watching Jonah look at pictures  and recognize ‘dadda’ himself.  

Patrick and I have both set active goals for ourselves this past year and have met them full force. I laugh looking at my half marathon finisher photo—I am clearly expressing happiness.  Happiness not otherwise felt if it weren’t for a strict training regimen, an abundance of sweat/sometimes tears, and a determined mindset.  This dedication, drive, and determination are characteristics I didn’t know I held within.  Similarly, I see excitement in Patrick’s smile as he finished the Seattle to Portland ride.  There is a presence of pride and another affirmation that he can do whatever he puts his mind to.

I look at photos of my reunion with my mother and siblings.  I reflect and notice that I’ve learned more of who I am—what makes me ‘me’, and the traits that I share with my new found family.  I now know where my traits stem from. I have seen myself in my mother and siblings and feel more grounded.   I’ve learned where my breaking point lies, now know what it means to endure “waves of emotion”, and carry a deeper definition of family.  

Viewing my ‘cake creation’ photos, I smile. This year, I’ve tapped into what makes me happy.  I’ve found outlets that are therapeutic and have allowed myself to dwell within the creative nature God has given me.  I have recognized the importance of time solely by myself and have embraced it.

And to think I get all these ‘words’ from these photos—words that may not ever be  noted with the options at hand….  Of course, Christmas cards will be sent--for it wouldn’t be Christmas without them, but I hope this post gives a deeper reflection.   It has simply outlined what I’ve wanted to convey our family has been blessed with this year--An undermining, beautiful, note-worthy growth.  

Jonah's first glimpse of Santa..