an absent introspective me ... and Christmas 2012

I've been putting off blogging for a while. I honestly don't know why.  I could blame it on exhaustion or business of life. Honestly--I know I've had time, have thought maybe I can blog today and catch up on holiday events and photos, but always shrug my shoulders and say, tomorrow perhaps. Even now as I've typed these two sentences I've thought of other things I could be doing, went upstairs to check on Jonah who is bouncing around during his supposed nap time and just getting more frustrated by the minute by such circumstances-those in myself, the mere fact of my procrastination (tho reason stated as unknown), and more so in which time has just slipped through my fingers. I have felt there is a part of me that wants to hold on to the memories, and moments I have experienced lately. I feel much more introspective lately. And I feel selfish not wanting to write or put any words down.

Jonah's naps have become hit or miss, he talks non-stop, has grown up so fast in a matter of months that I feel I've missed some of it. His smile is contagious.  His heart is big, and his curiosity is ever so present. Regardless if I have been there every moment with him, I have felt distant. I have had personal moments where I am reminded to cherish this gift God has given in front of me and to not take advantage of this opportunity God has given me--to be a mother to such a beautiful boy.

Reading these two paragraphs already written it's clear-- to me, and probably to any reader-- that my heart is heavy. This time of year, I usually reflect on the past year and with a hopeful heart look forward to all of the wonderful memories God will provide in the upcoming year. But honestly, I haven't had energy to dig deep and reflect. Yes, I will note the things I've learned I am sure in months to come, but my mind is foggy and I honestly think frustration would be the end of it at the moment.

I have many current emotions--ones of guilt, ones of doubt, grateful, hopeful, and uncertainty.  But I wont dismiss the fact and reason why I started blogging in the first place. To document the events and provide an escape to do what was just done--to be honest with myself and the few readers that read our blog where I've been and reasons for my absence. So reason somewhat stated, and with that out of the way, here are a few photos taken over the holidays.

Santa brought the coolest helicopter EVER!

A dinosaur puzzle from PopPop

Patrick's father came to visit over Christmas.  We had a chance to visit family in Oregon and spend Christmas Eve and day at home. We had a wonderful time watching Jonah experience Christmas, truly knowing what presents are, and seeing the excitement and wonderment in his eyes when the reindeer did in fact come and eat all the oats and 'food'(glitter, sprinkles, and such of course!) off our front driveway. We participated in all the fun that the season had to offer--seeing Santa, Christmas lights, drinking hot cocoa, building a gingerbread house, watching Christmas movies(Charlie Brown's Christmas is a favorite), and making cookies are a few to happily note.

the decorator (and taster!)

cookie making at it's finest

Hopefully this next month I will make more of an effort to capture and document these special moments our family endures. In the meantime, I will be rummaging through my foggy emotions with hope that God will help me understand some of it.

Many blessings and wishes for a happy and memorable New Year.

Twenty nine reflections

I subscribe to several blogs online.  Some are those of friends and family and some are those that I have never met, yet their writing and photos make me smile and give me a sense of happiness. They provide different views of family life, shed light on motherhood, and give a different perspective on obstacles we all as humans face.  Reading them allows an escape from any chaos, yet parallels a feeling of, “I am doing something right”.  It’s comforting.

Lately, the posts I’ve read all have a common thread—reflecting on this past year and the idea of going forward, looking ahead into what may present itself in 2012. One in particular caught my attention.  She spoke of her birthday always landing at the end of each year, allowing her to reflect on what she has learned and gaining a momentum to move forward. 

That said, my 30^th birthday is in eleven  ten days.  Yes, THE dreaded 30 that I hate to even mention.  Truthfully I haven’t embraced the whole idea yet.  In past years, I’ve been excited of the upcoming festivities my birthday withholds. This one? ...not so much.  I don’t know why it bothers me so much.  Maybe its saying goodbye to those “20s”.  I’ve labeled the phrase “you are still so young” to only belong in that sacred decade. Knowing that security blanket of a phrase will be forever lost come next Tuesday is daunting.  But Tuesday will come and I will be forced to mark a different age category.  I knowingly must embrace it somehow.  And reading these posts on reflection gave me a momentum to embrace this new era in my life.   I quote Kelle Hampton, (her fantastic blog here) saying, “I've learned that every year brings more experiences, more layers, more character chiseling--a gradual metamorphosis into a better, brighter, wiser, more compassionate being. And that fact alone makes birthdays and new years thrilling. I whole-heartedly embrace Thirty-three  today.”  I second that—minus three.

So—I’ve decided to go full force into this newfound decade.  Happily.

It’s a tradition for her, and I am sure for many, to reflect on things she has learned within the past year. What better way to look ahead at a new decade then to reflect what I’ve learned?  I think I’ll borrow this annual notion and reflect some.

--With numbered days left in my 20s, I give tribute without delay.  Here are 29 things I’ve learned in 2011--

1.       I’ve learned a deeper definition of family.  Simple and strong as that.

2.       I am a morning person.  The notion of sleeping in until noon passed over a decade ago, but the idea that I enjoy waking up early is a new found one.  There is something about the warmth of a freshly brewed cup of coffee, the hum of the computer as I check emails, and a peace in knowing the men in my life are upstairs blissfully asleep.  Waking, only to learn I am the first up has become a pleasant invite to my days.

3.       I share the same pinky toes with my brother. Slightly stumpy.

4.       “mommy” is the best name--hands down.

5.       Laundry and emails can always wait—reading “Mr. Brown can moo, can you?” cannot.

6.       I become anxious quite quickly.  Not my best trait.

7.       The very reason I love peanut butter as much as I do—my mother ate a lot of it while pregnant with me. A validation long awaited.

8.       I underestimate my creativity.

9.       “I love you’s” will forever be in this family’s vocabulary.

10.   Party planning is my secret indulgence. I love a themed party. If a party is on the calendar, you can bet I am on the hunt for the perfect favor, topper, and recipe…even if it involves late nights, phone calls to the post office ensuring delivery, and hours of ‘pom pom’ assemblement. Yes—I am that gal. A slightly proud one at that.

11.   When I have an idea, I go with it.  My mind focuses on nothing else--tho a good trait to carry, I've learned it doesn't always deliver a perfect outcome. I am learning that my plans aren't always Gods plans and going  off course once in a while or slowing down isn't always a bad thing.

12.   My husband ceases to amaze me. His determination and drive has always inspired me, yet he continues to challenge himself. A trait many strive to carry-he humbly holds.

13.   My son has rhythm...I like to say he inherited  that from me. His best moves are usually seen on Sunday evenings. There's something about the football theme song(and maybe a little Faith Hill) that bring his spins and claps to new levels.

14.   Patrick has come to the conclusion, and I agree with him, that Lionel Richie is a modern troubadour. A song bird. :)

15.   Succumbing to comparisons always leads to worry. It also leads to a false definition of who I am as a mother.

16.   Iam slowly becoming a "yogi". The act of "being still" ironically is a work in progress.

17.   I have always been a woman of routine--recently, I have become more spontaneous. It's refreshing.

18.   There's something special about the things we learn from grandparents--as adults or as children.

19.   Most days--I'll choose comfort over casual. Proof? Aside from special events--Tell me the last time you saw me in shoes other than my black sweater "Bear Paws"?

20.   The award for "Best maker of airplane/trucks/train sounds" will forever be awarded to Dadda. Mommy just never makes the cut.

21.   Training always pays off.

22.   Traditions lie within that definition of family stated above. They hold strong.

23.   Naps (or lack thereof) can make or break a day.

24.   Couponing requires effort, time, and strategy. It's not difficult, but rather is practical and ethical. Most of all--it's rewarding.

25.   Getting coffee will forever be in my list of "to-dos". That’s just me.

26.   There's a difference between understanding and accepting.

27.   After 29 years, I still worry what others think of me.  Yet, the process of accepting those perceptions (both positive and negative) has become easier.

28.   Friendships grow deeper with time.  At times, true friends may know you better than yourself.

29.   I am blessed beyond measure.  I have none other to thank than my God above.

                                                                                                                   
Happy New year and cheers to turning thirty.