an absent introspective me ... and Christmas 2012

I've been putting off blogging for a while. I honestly don't know why.  I could blame it on exhaustion or business of life. Honestly--I know I've had time, have thought maybe I can blog today and catch up on holiday events and photos, but always shrug my shoulders and say, tomorrow perhaps. Even now as I've typed these two sentences I've thought of other things I could be doing, went upstairs to check on Jonah who is bouncing around during his supposed nap time and just getting more frustrated by the minute by such circumstances-those in myself, the mere fact of my procrastination (tho reason stated as unknown), and more so in which time has just slipped through my fingers. I have felt there is a part of me that wants to hold on to the memories, and moments I have experienced lately. I feel much more introspective lately. And I feel selfish not wanting to write or put any words down.

Jonah's naps have become hit or miss, he talks non-stop, has grown up so fast in a matter of months that I feel I've missed some of it. His smile is contagious.  His heart is big, and his curiosity is ever so present. Regardless if I have been there every moment with him, I have felt distant. I have had personal moments where I am reminded to cherish this gift God has given in front of me and to not take advantage of this opportunity God has given me--to be a mother to such a beautiful boy.

Reading these two paragraphs already written it's clear-- to me, and probably to any reader-- that my heart is heavy. This time of year, I usually reflect on the past year and with a hopeful heart look forward to all of the wonderful memories God will provide in the upcoming year. But honestly, I haven't had energy to dig deep and reflect. Yes, I will note the things I've learned I am sure in months to come, but my mind is foggy and I honestly think frustration would be the end of it at the moment.

I have many current emotions--ones of guilt, ones of doubt, grateful, hopeful, and uncertainty.  But I wont dismiss the fact and reason why I started blogging in the first place. To document the events and provide an escape to do what was just done--to be honest with myself and the few readers that read our blog where I've been and reasons for my absence. So reason somewhat stated, and with that out of the way, here are a few photos taken over the holidays.

Santa brought the coolest helicopter EVER!

A dinosaur puzzle from PopPop

Patrick's father came to visit over Christmas.  We had a chance to visit family in Oregon and spend Christmas Eve and day at home. We had a wonderful time watching Jonah experience Christmas, truly knowing what presents are, and seeing the excitement and wonderment in his eyes when the reindeer did in fact come and eat all the oats and 'food'(glitter, sprinkles, and such of course!) off our front driveway. We participated in all the fun that the season had to offer--seeing Santa, Christmas lights, drinking hot cocoa, building a gingerbread house, watching Christmas movies(Charlie Brown's Christmas is a favorite), and making cookies are a few to happily note.

the decorator (and taster!)

cookie making at it's finest

Hopefully this next month I will make more of an effort to capture and document these special moments our family endures. In the meantime, I will be rummaging through my foggy emotions with hope that God will help me understand some of it.

Many blessings and wishes for a happy and memorable New Year.

A month of 'thankfuls' -- November 2012

Throughout the month of November I committed to writing something I was thankful for each day on Facebook.  Being a firm believer of personal reflection and gratitude and the joy that comes from it, I gladly accepted the opportunity.  I wanted to make sure to document  here on our blog, so I can reflect in later months and years. Without further adieu..

Day 1: I am so thankful that God continues to make himself present in my life. He quietly reminds me He is always near and hears my prayers of worry, anxiety, and fear. He grants an indescribable peace when needed.

Day 2: I am thankful for my husband. I am so blessed to have such an inspiring man, amazing father and best friend forever by my side.

Day 3: I am thankful for a strong physical body. Exercise has a lot to do with breaking down our physical barrier in order to look at our mental barriers. Being physically active provides an escape for me and relieves stress that I otherwise would carry. Often when I am running I think about all the muscles working to get me to where I am at that moment. Without a healthy heart, and strong lungs I wouldn't be at that mile marker--for that I am grateful. :-)

Day 4: I am thankful for a warm place to call home.

Day 5: I am thankful to live in a free country. Despite what this election has brought our country to--the turmoil of different political views, I am proud to say that I am an American and thankful that I have a chance to vote.

Day 6: I am thankful I get to experience and see the bond my son and husband share. I love that Jonah is so excited to spend every moment he can get with his father, tell him everything about his day; share a new idea, word, or ask to play with him the moment Patrick walks in the door from work. Witnessing their happiness makes me happy.

Day 7: I am thankful God is the One in control. Always.

Day 8: I am thankful for God given friendships that I know will last a lifetime:)

Day 9: I am thankful that I get to be a mommy. Being called "mommy" is the best name, hands down.

Day 10: I am thankful that God gives us seasons--I've seen so many beautiful fall colors lately. It's God's work that is vividly around us every day, and it's breathtaking.

Day 11: I am so very thankful to all who have served our country so we can enjoy the freedom we have.

Day 12: I am thankful God protects my husband when he's flying. I hear the sounds of jet engines over my house frequently, which often lead to silent pleas to God for my husband's protection. I am so thankful He faithfully hears and answers them.

Day 13: I am so very thankful for family traditions and the lengths that are taken to make them occur year after year:)

Day 14: I am very thankful for the much needed "me time" given to me today:)

Day 15: I cannot express how thankful I am for the amazing NINE years of marriage God has blessed me and Patrick with. Nine years ago, today, I married the love of my life and best friend. I cannot wait to see what the future years bring. I am so grateful I get spend forever with him. Happy Anniversary, hunny--I love you!

Day 16: I am so thankful I have most of our Christmas shopping done and it's not even Thanksgiving yet!! I have stayed one step ahead this year...woop woop!

Day 17: I am thankful that God hears my prayers. I am pretty sure I've already noted this thought on day one, but I think it's worth mentioning again. He knows our hearts and minds and always here's us. He is always here and I love that.

Day 18: I am thankful today and in awe of the way God works through others in my life to uplift and encourage me. God's love is visible in so many ways.

Day 19: So very thankful for the funny moments I get to experience with my family--We have recently discovered that Jonah is very serious and particular about his dancing and singing..quite comical--these moments of joy and laughter make my heart full.

Day 20: I set out to make my Grandma's famous crescent rolls today for the dinner my family will enjoy come Thursday. A thanksgiving meal isn't complete without Grandma Reimer's rolls. Its tradition--and with this tradition, it always brings forth remembrance of my Grandma and her legacy; holding a strong faith, gentle spirit, and grateful heart. As I cut the cold butter into the flour today and roll out the dough come tomorrow..she will be in my thoughts, as she is every Thanksgiving. So today-I am thankful for the chance to remember her-her faith, the memories we shared together, and her infectious smile--all while striving to perfect her 'buttery, melt in your mouth, perfect for getting every last drop off your plate' Thanksgiving rolls.

Day 21: I am thankful for beautiful, sweet and loving friends who happily watch Jonah when I need a few hours of time for myself, or when Patrick and I would like a date night out. They all hold a nurturing kind spirit that leaves us feeling confident Jonah is in good hands when away. I don't know what I'd do without you Rosa J. Rodriguez, Rosanna Head Rowland, and Ashley Michelle Serry! You all are truly a blessing in our lives:)

Day 22: I am thankful for Thanksgiving!!! I am thankful for the delicious food I get to prepare, smell, and devour, smiles I get to see, laughter I can hear, and time I get to endure with my family today. May you all have a blessed Thanksgiving!

Day 23: I am thankful for Christmas decorations!!..the smell, look, taste, sounds of Christmas are echoing in my house and I am like a little girl again..I love it!

Day 24: I am thankful for good sleep:)

Day 25: I am thankful for God's plan and provision. Jeremiah 29:11 speaks volumes.

Day 26: Today I am thankful for modern medicine. Colds, flus, and upset stomachs would be so much worse without modern remedies:)

Day 27: Just when I think my baby boy is growing slightly more independent, getting to be a big boy(which he is undoubtedly so), he wakes up at 4am whimpering and the only request he makes is "Rock me, please'". I couldn't resist the urge to embrace his need for comfort. I sat there rocking Jonah this am smiling, because these are the moments of being a mom that are so very worth it. So today, (I am sure I've noted this in earlier days this month..) I am thankful to be a mommy, thankful that I am needed and can be present where God has called me to be--even if its in a rocking chair at 4am :-)

Day 28: I am thankful today that God is teaching me a lot about patience.

Day 29: I am thankful I get to enjoy and do what makes me happy--baking cakes, and decorating them! It's so fun (and such an escape) to find that I have been working on some gumpaste flowers for a little over 2 hours..and it hasn't gotten old..it's fun and so worth the result! :)

Day 30: I am so thankful for this past month--each and every day has allowed me much needed reflection and thought. Looking forward to December and the gratitude within.

a common motion

This past year I have really learned a lot about the importance of family.  I smile at that statement. For that word –family--has made itself present yet again in my life.  It seems as though the idea of family and all that it entails always finds its place amongst my yearly reflections.  Come to think of it, it seems that the more I get older, the more important family becomes and the more it sinks deeper into a much needed foundation and basis for my own personal growth.

I have realized I need it.  Judging from its habitual reputation, it’s no surprise that this realization is a constant one.  Clearly, not every day is perfect.  Let’s face it; there are days that are undeniably difficult. Downright  hard.  We all face them.  We all can relate to that one bad day where everything is up in shambles, and the domino effect is in full motion. The house is a mess, the constant cries for attention, or something to drink, ‘my blanky’ , or ‘my toy!’, the car won’t start, you are late for swimming lessons, and dinner..what’s for dinner?! And the only thing besides a desperate cry to God that helps me through is the simple love and comfort of those in my life—my family.

There are moments where I think of the ‘what ifs’ and the unknowns.  I allow myself to face the fear of uncertainty for just a split second.  And the question that is always dead center in front of me is, “what if I didn’t have my family?”  What if that love, happiness, laughter, and comfort that I live for went away.  It leaves me breathless.

Family understands hopes, frustrations, aspirations, struggles and fears.  Family offers to listen to our rants, give a hug, send an inspirational text, post that reassuring emoticon on fb to say, ‘hey-I get ya, I’ve been there’, make a joke, and ultimately pick us back up and provide a happiness to move forward.  Each day is a gift God graciously gives, and when those days aren’t perfect in our eyes, God graciously grants us another gift-a presence of family to help us learn and move forward.

Sure, this past year has brought obstacles and I survived the first six months of this year without my husband.  But the idea that I still held that security, despite it being a text, or voice rather than a physical comfort, gave me hope.  This drive to persevere through the months ahead was a direct reflection of the existence I call my family.  It gave me something to work towards and look forward to. I knew he’d be home sooner than later, and I dreamt of spending our family vacation together on the NC beach.  I imagined Jonah building sand castles while my mother-in-law told me stories of when she was younger with Patrick.  I dreamt of lazy Sunday afternoons with nothing to do but be together.  I smiled at the thought of seeing Jonah’s joy while playing with his daddy at the park, and feeling that embrace of my husband after being apart for far too long. 

With all that being said--A while back a friend of a friend posted a picture of a staircase wall project she had been working on.  It displayed an ancestry branch, each part of the branch marked photos of relatives and kin. This image was the perfect interpretation of a family tree. It shed light on the importance of heritage.  The photos aligned the staircase; giving the image such depth and the flourished branches a beautiful paralleled meaning.  It was inspiring.  I had that moment of realization that said I want to do that.  I need to do that. I need to do it to physically acknowledge what this past year has taught me.  

It was one of those nights where I couldn't sleep and this moment of realization turned into a moment of proclamation.  Several days were spent pondering and tweaking my vision.  I spoke with relatives, ordered photos and spent countless hours at the frame shop tweaking and configuring the perfect photo mats and frames.  Many emails were sent to the vinyl branch decal artist, and our living room floor became a canvas for frame mapping on more than one occasion. This past weekend the postman delivered my branch and with the help of my amazing husband, my vision came to life. 

Family is what makes me go. It’s what I need and live for. Whether it’s a simple hug to get me through the afternoon,  the vacation planned for next year, the imagery of a larger family, or a glance on the family wall staircase, it all generates a common motion; an extension of growth. 

Twenty nine reflections

I subscribe to several blogs online.  Some are those of friends and family and some are those that I have never met, yet their writing and photos make me smile and give me a sense of happiness. They provide different views of family life, shed light on motherhood, and give a different perspective on obstacles we all as humans face.  Reading them allows an escape from any chaos, yet parallels a feeling of, “I am doing something right”.  It’s comforting.

Lately, the posts I’ve read all have a common thread—reflecting on this past year and the idea of going forward, looking ahead into what may present itself in 2012. One in particular caught my attention.  She spoke of her birthday always landing at the end of each year, allowing her to reflect on what she has learned and gaining a momentum to move forward. 

That said, my 30^th birthday is in eleven  ten days.  Yes, THE dreaded 30 that I hate to even mention.  Truthfully I haven’t embraced the whole idea yet.  In past years, I’ve been excited of the upcoming festivities my birthday withholds. This one? ...not so much.  I don’t know why it bothers me so much.  Maybe its saying goodbye to those “20s”.  I’ve labeled the phrase “you are still so young” to only belong in that sacred decade. Knowing that security blanket of a phrase will be forever lost come next Tuesday is daunting.  But Tuesday will come and I will be forced to mark a different age category.  I knowingly must embrace it somehow.  And reading these posts on reflection gave me a momentum to embrace this new era in my life.   I quote Kelle Hampton, (her fantastic blog here) saying, “I've learned that every year brings more experiences, more layers, more character chiseling--a gradual metamorphosis into a better, brighter, wiser, more compassionate being. And that fact alone makes birthdays and new years thrilling. I whole-heartedly embrace Thirty-three  today.”  I second that—minus three.

So—I’ve decided to go full force into this newfound decade.  Happily.

It’s a tradition for her, and I am sure for many, to reflect on things she has learned within the past year. What better way to look ahead at a new decade then to reflect what I’ve learned?  I think I’ll borrow this annual notion and reflect some.

--With numbered days left in my 20s, I give tribute without delay.  Here are 29 things I’ve learned in 2011--

1.       I’ve learned a deeper definition of family.  Simple and strong as that.

2.       I am a morning person.  The notion of sleeping in until noon passed over a decade ago, but the idea that I enjoy waking up early is a new found one.  There is something about the warmth of a freshly brewed cup of coffee, the hum of the computer as I check emails, and a peace in knowing the men in my life are upstairs blissfully asleep.  Waking, only to learn I am the first up has become a pleasant invite to my days.

3.       I share the same pinky toes with my brother. Slightly stumpy.

4.       “mommy” is the best name--hands down.

5.       Laundry and emails can always wait—reading “Mr. Brown can moo, can you?” cannot.

6.       I become anxious quite quickly.  Not my best trait.

7.       The very reason I love peanut butter as much as I do—my mother ate a lot of it while pregnant with me. A validation long awaited.

8.       I underestimate my creativity.

9.       “I love you’s” will forever be in this family’s vocabulary.

10.   Party planning is my secret indulgence. I love a themed party. If a party is on the calendar, you can bet I am on the hunt for the perfect favor, topper, and recipe…even if it involves late nights, phone calls to the post office ensuring delivery, and hours of ‘pom pom’ assemblement. Yes—I am that gal. A slightly proud one at that.

11.   When I have an idea, I go with it.  My mind focuses on nothing else--tho a good trait to carry, I've learned it doesn't always deliver a perfect outcome. I am learning that my plans aren't always Gods plans and going  off course once in a while or slowing down isn't always a bad thing.

12.   My husband ceases to amaze me. His determination and drive has always inspired me, yet he continues to challenge himself. A trait many strive to carry-he humbly holds.

13.   My son has rhythm...I like to say he inherited  that from me. His best moves are usually seen on Sunday evenings. There's something about the football theme song(and maybe a little Faith Hill) that bring his spins and claps to new levels.

14.   Patrick has come to the conclusion, and I agree with him, that Lionel Richie is a modern troubadour. A song bird. :)

15.   Succumbing to comparisons always leads to worry. It also leads to a false definition of who I am as a mother.

16.   Iam slowly becoming a "yogi". The act of "being still" ironically is a work in progress.

17.   I have always been a woman of routine--recently, I have become more spontaneous. It's refreshing.

18.   There's something special about the things we learn from grandparents--as adults or as children.

19.   Most days--I'll choose comfort over casual. Proof? Aside from special events--Tell me the last time you saw me in shoes other than my black sweater "Bear Paws"?

20.   The award for "Best maker of airplane/trucks/train sounds" will forever be awarded to Dadda. Mommy just never makes the cut.

21.   Training always pays off.

22.   Traditions lie within that definition of family stated above. They hold strong.

23.   Naps (or lack thereof) can make or break a day.

24.   Couponing requires effort, time, and strategy. It's not difficult, but rather is practical and ethical. Most of all--it's rewarding.

25.   Getting coffee will forever be in my list of "to-dos". That’s just me.

26.   There's a difference between understanding and accepting.

27.   After 29 years, I still worry what others think of me.  Yet, the process of accepting those perceptions (both positive and negative) has become easier.

28.   Friendships grow deeper with time.  At times, true friends may know you better than yourself.

29.   I am blessed beyond measure.  I have none other to thank than my God above.

                                                                                                                   
Happy New year and cheers to turning thirty.