my foggy residence

9.19.2013

It’s just one of those days-- A day where you have really good intentions to get a lot done.  I have a list in my mind.  I sit down and start to tackle the list and suddenly I look down at the clock, see that so much time has passed already, and seemingly have nothing positive to show of it. I have done that a lot lately.  I have good intentions, I do.   Strong intentions that unfortunately begin a rough cycle.  An attempt to multi-task, cries and pleas from children, yelling, frustration, then a little onset of guilt…and then we go back to the start. “If you do not pass go, you do not collect $200.”  It’s been three hours and I am a millionaire.

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I wrote that paragraph two days ago. Not only is it evidence of the latter subject, but also a good indication that I've acutely had a writer’s block.  I've held a need to write out my thoughts, but fail to really get much down without coming to a ditch in the road. I've tried to come to terms of why I repeatedly encounter that said cycle.  Why I am left with nothing to show. Even on my thrice weekly runs, I've consciously tried to hash out what it is that has led me to this rut I currently sit in. I've set my intention at the beginning of several yoga classes to find clarity in all the mess, but just find it foggy. So I am going to sit here until it all is out.  Until I am out. I've stayed here long enough. 

A lot has happened lately.  All that comes to mind when finding reason to my rut is change.  We've been blessed with Ellie and have had visitors stay with us.  What was once a great routine is no longer functional, and we've had to find one that now fits.  New bedtime routines, meal preps, and sleep schedules.  As parents, we aren't the only ones that change has affected.  Jonah has had to grow accustom to a new sister and new agenda.  He has started Pre-school (today actually was his first official day. So as I type this, change is inevitable) I've started back into my gym and yoga routine, so expectations of myself run high. Orders are coming in for cakes in the next couple of months.  My calendar is full as I think ahead to doctor appointments, school trips, and family vacations. The list is long.  And re-reading it, I undoubtedly feel that I've met my change quota.  

Yes, change is a good thing.  It allows us to re-prioritize.  It allows growth. But when it leads me down into a foggy pit of self-doubt, confusion, and at times- surrender, I think I've had my limit.  I guess if one faces so much, it inevitably becomes all mustered and foggy.   There’s that ditch I've been residing in.  

So I've figured out the culprit and have seen my recent ‘not-so-cozy’ residence.  I wont dismiss the possibility of my list growing further.  A little more fog may settle in before hand, but I am packing and on my way out. Even if I have no idea of how to move forward, I know I will.  Just tackling the muster of thoughts has parted some of the fog and has led to a bit of clarity. 

Who knows? Maybe clarity, order and clear skies live a few blocks over. 



2 comments:

juli moore said...

you've got a lot going on, so that's normal to feel foggy,, just take ur time each day,, and know you will make it threw it,, love your writtings,,

Mikaela said...

I remember a friend of mine saying this same thing about four months after her daughter was born. At the time I had no idea what she was talking about. Two kids later I absolutely get it. I think sometimes having a new baby doesn't necessarily effect us right away, but come a few months later we find ourselves feeling in a rut, out of sorts and not sure where to go. it will get better. Stick with the exercise, get out with friends and do something for you. I know when you are tired and overscheduled and over-whelmed that seems like a pipe dream but I promise that it makes all the difference. Your family needs you to be happy and have joy in your life. Don't just do it for you, do it for all of you!

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